I was recently cast as Nightwing in an upcoming DCEU film and I’m super excited. Even though I’ve got a great body, my producer says my… er… “assets” aren’t up to par for a comics-accurate portrayal.

He says he can fix that, but it’ll take some time. Luckily, we don’t start shooting for several months. He’s got me on a “revolutionary” new workout and vitamin regimen, but so far, I haven’t noticed any major differences.

Although, now that I think about it, my pants have been fitting oddly, and ever seat feels like it has a little more cushion. And there’s this itch that I just can’t seem to scratch. What’s going on?