I’m sure you’ve read the pamphlets by now, or seen the news. Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you should know: you’re already infected. Everyone in the world was infected by the time that scientists found out the Bubble Boy Virus was a thing, we just don’t know why some people develop symptoms and why some don’t.

There are four things we know with any real degree of certainty thanks to the sacrifice of some of the brightest minds in the world: that everyone is already infected, that the virus is dormant in most people, that there is no cure once symptoms start appearing and the best thing to do is ease the transition for the soon-to-be bubble boy, and that anyone who looks too deep into the virus will, invariably, succumb to it.

I get it. It’s often to think that you could lose your identity to a virus, become one of those slutty, empty-headed boys. But it’s not too bad a life. Not when you think about it. They’re too dumb to work, so the government has to take responsibility for keeping them safe and happy. They don’t have to worry about rent, or food, or debt. The only thing they ever get antsy about is their next fix of cock, and there’s more than enough men to go around and give it to them now that the women are all gone.

There really isn’t much of a point to worrying about it. There’s no point fretting about catching it, since you already have it. There’s no point worrying about whether you’ll show symptoms because literally no one knows how or why the virus becomes active in a person. Most of all, there’s no point worrying about what it’s like to be a bubble boy because by then you’ll not have any real worries like the rest of us unfortunate sods.

So go ahead. Go to the beach. Enjoy the sun. Enjoy the waves. Enjoy the scores of bubble boys who are more than happy to head out to the ocean’s edge as an excuse to show off their fat little bubble butts and have sex with a bit of salt involved.

Many doctors actually advise that it’s probably one of the better places to go once you start suffering the symptoms of the Bubble Boy Virus. I mean, you probably haven’t noticed yet, but the truth is you’re most likely already symptomatic.

That aptitude test I gave you earlier? Yeah, you remember how I told you that you aced it? I mean, I didn’t lie. You did ace it, if you’re just looking at the fact you got every question correct.

Thing is, that’s not the only thing we’re supposed to look at. I gave you the exact same test the last time you were here, just with the order of questions a little bit mixed up. Your time to complete is 75% worse than it was last week, which isn’t something we can chalk up to coincidence.

Besides, you did forget that you were taking the exact same test, and I think that more than the time it took you to finish is saying something. Sorry to break it to you, bud, but that’s just how it is these days. You never know if or when you might get the bubbles.

You know what, I don’t really have any other appointments today. Why don’t we head down to the beach? It’s the least I can do, and it’s best if we get started getting you accustomed to your new life right away.

Here. Put this on. It’s a speedo. No, there’s no changing room. Just do it here. You gotta get used to getting naked in front of other men, anyway. That’s right. Just like that, boy. Good. Good boy. See, that wasn’t so hard, was it?

Now let’s go. The beach is just a few minutes down the road.

There. Just sit down there. It’s warm today, isn’t it? No, you don’t get to sit under the umbrella like I am. Remember, this is part of your "treatment," if you can even call it that. Just relax. You’re on the beach. Bask in it.

I guess I never told you why they suggest that symptomatic bubble boys head out to the beach, huh? Well, the simple fact is, it’s a nice place to relax. A Buddhist monastery would be just as good for the relaxation part, though might not be the most appropriate place for what comes after.

How do I put this? We can’t really study the BBV, right? But we can at least look at the patterns that emerge from the people in whom the virus activates. What we’ve found is that the more relaxed the patient is, the more accepting they are of what’s going to happen to them, the easier and the faster the transition becomes.

No. Don’t get up. Just lie down there. You won’t get a sunburn. The fact that you’re symptomatic is going to make sure of that. Just enjoy the warmth of the sun, take in a deep breath, feel the cool wind on your skin, and listen to the waves coming in and out. In and out. In and out. Just like that.

It’s so easy to slip away, isn’t it? To just set your mind adrift as the waves come in and go out. In and out. Slowly but surely. In and out. Taking away those pesky little thoughts in that pretty little head of yours one by one by one.

The beach is perfect because it’s just so easy to fall into a mindless trance next to the ocean. And then, if you happen to complete your transformation, no one’s going to bat an eye if you go shaking your ass at a stranger. So just lay back, relax, and let tide carry your brain away as the virus changes your body into the perfect little air-headed, cock-hungry bubble boy.

Doesn’t it feel so much better to just let go and not have to worry about all that silly adult stuff that you used to worry about?