Dickless Down Under

God, there’s this awful new guy at my work, some flamer they brought on for diversity or some shit. He’s always smacking on this bubblegum, and smells like cotton candy, wearing pink like some fairy. Last week he got all offended that I rolled my eyes and sighed when he walked past my office a bunch and said I’d be sorry. I guess it can’t be too bad. What’s he gonna do, steal my dick or some shit?

Beta Patron Request by @fen

Colton didn’t have any problem with the gays. Despite having been brought up in the Bible Belt, he liked to think that he saw most gays as just guys who liked other flavors of sex.

Colton liked gay men. Honestly! He had a gay cousin who was a great guy to hang around with. And if he had to, he was proud to say that he would willingly take a bullet for his gay cousin.

Even though the pastor, of the church he’d been going to every Sunday since he could walk, went on and on about how the gays were the downfall of society on two legs, how their mere acceptance was a sign of the end, he’d never really seen anything wrong with a man wanting to bang another man.

As far as Colton was concerned, a hole was a hole. Not to mention, he liked to think of himself as a bit of a romantic. He couldn’t imagine anything less romantic than trying to dictate what two consenting adults did in the privacy of their own homes. Well, other than maybe getting in the way of two men who loved one another.

After all, Jesus was all about that love shit.

Colton, however, did have a problem with the fucking flamers that liked to prance around in the big city like they owned the place. He’d always been a little bit sheltered, so he was expecting something a bit racier when he attended a pride parade to show his support for gay guys, but instead what he got was an awful eyeful of everything that was wrong with modern society.

Two guys holding each other in the light of the early down at a farmhouse that they tended every day of their lives was something that Colton could get behind. Some dickbreah homo walking around dressed like a red light district whore, being offended at the smallest little thing, was just wrong.

Where other guys stuck their God-given cocks was none of Colton’s business. Anal was pleasurable from what he knew of it. But men were supposed to be men, God dammit. Women were supposed to be women. The world had been plodding along pretty damn great until these diversity-obsessed cucks started telling everyone that it was possible to wake up one day and decide to be a woman despite having a fucking cock.

All these bullshit genders, these bullshit sexualities, it was sheer insanity in Colton’s mind. He couldn’t wrap his head around it. Nor did he really want to. He thought it was disgusting. Wrong. And while he hated to use the word, it was actually quite apt. It was abominable.

And this particular fairy, wearing his pink booty shorts, chewing bubble gum like a fucking goat, was the bane of Colton’s days. Just seeing the prissy little queer was enough to set his mood sour. It was just so fucking wrong. And he made sure that the slutty little whore knew just how much he disapproved of everything. From the clothes. To the hair. To the flamboyance.

In fact, Colton enjoyed the dirty looks that the fairy shot at him whenever he made a snide comment about certain fathers being disappoined. But maybe he should have learned to leave well enough alone.

One day, out of the blue, while rolling his eyes and sighing at the sixth time the faggot walked past the front of his office, the queer got angry. It must have been the straw that broke the camel’s back or something because the homo banged Colton’s door open and sashayed in to stand in front of his desk.

Colton burst out laughing at the faggot’s puny attempt to be intimidating, and couldn’t stop all throughout the tirade about oppression, sexism, homophobia, and privilege the precious little queer launched into.

"Oh, I’m sorry you think my behavior is wrong and problematic," said Colton, when he finally managed to regain his composure. "But this is a free country. You don’t get to dictate how I think, or what I say. And we respect freedom of expression here, so it doesn’t matter how offended you get. If you want a safe space, find somewhere else to work!"

Colton smirked. The fag’s expression darkened. Colton could practically hear the sound of teeth grinding. But that was about the best that the little queer could probably do. Little Miss Homo knew as well as Colton did that management would never lift a finger against him.

But even though he was secure in his ability to get away with what he’d just said, Colton felt a pang of fear as the temperature in the room seemed to drop by a couple of degrees. The fag glared at him, expression icy. He spoke, voice devoid of the flamboyant trill that it usually had. "You’ll be sorry for this," said the fag, before stomping out.

When the door slammed shut behind the little fairy, the temperature in the room seemed to return to normal. Colton exhaled the breath he hadn’t noticed he’d been holding.

After a few moments, Colton rolled his eyes and scoffed. What the fuck was he doing, being scared of the little twerp. Like hell he would be sorry for how he’d been acting. Look at the pissy little gayboy trying to threaten him.

Colton laughed. What was the prissy little fucker going to do? Get the rest of his make-up buddies to wait for Colton in the parking lot to beat him with their little bottles of mascara?

Colton shook his head and laughed. It was such a hilarious mental image that he honestly kind of hoped it would happen.


Colton’s last girlfriend had been a frigid bitch that got jealous over the tits that were flashed on the TV show that they both watched. As if that made any sense.

After a string of failed relationships, Colton had just about had enough. That was one thing that he envied about gay guys. They had it so much easier in the dating game. They didn’t have to deal with temperamental ladies. Men were so much simpler.

As it was, Colton had decided to take a break from dating. He had other things that he would like to dedicate his time to other than chasing pussy. However, it did mean blue balls for at least a little while. Unlike other guys, he was more than happy with a little self-help to take care of the frustration.

Colton had already had dinner and had cracked a cold beer. He didn’t plan on jerking off until later, but for whatever reason, he felt quite horny. And not horny in the sense that he wanted pussy, but horny in the way that he wanted to jerk off, specifically.

Even though he hadn’t even glanced at porn yet, Colton’s cock was already hard as a steel rod in his shorts. As he idly flipped the channels on his TV, he couldn’t help but rub his erection through his underwear.

A quiet moan escaped Colton as he squeezed the base of his shaft. Pleasure surged up his spine. He didn’t recall ever being this sensitive, but he wasn’t about to complain. It felt so good.

That was it. Colton couldn’t resist anymore. He turned the TV to the porn channel as he stripped his clothes off. He leaned back against the couch and idly stroked his hard cock while rubbing his free hand all over his firm pecs and tight abs.

God, Colton thought, it never got old watching his hand slide up and down the length of his endowment. His cock was big, thick, and veiny, porn-worthy in his opinion. It was a beautiful tool that deserved to be displayed on a beautiful body like the one that Colton had.

Colton’s muscles had been started off by the long hours of work he’d had to do, growing up at a farm. But he’d maintained them through college and his young adulthood through a brutal workout routine that he still kept up now that he had a full-time job.

While he’d never accepted propositions from other men, Colton did like knowing that gay men found him attractive. After all, they had a keen eye for hot men, and knowing that there were gay guys out there who lusted for him was a major ego boost. He appreciated their attraction, but not so much the attraction of the effeminate flaming homos that he hated.

Colton didn’t even know why he was letting himself think of those faggots right now. He looked at the TV and watched as the porno introduced the main character, the top. Fuck, hen was ripped. And with such a great cock, too. Colton looked forward to watching it plow in and out of a tight pussy.

Colton’s own cock was as hard as the porn stars. Every stroke up his length sent electric shocks of pleasure up his spine. It even seemed that the more he touched himself, the more he stroked, the harder and more sensitive his cock got.

The porno was one of those movies that had a bit of a set-up before the action, so Colton just leaned his head back, closed his eyes, and stroked his cock. It felt good. So good.

Before long, the pleasure almost became too much for Colton. He wanted to stop, to draw it out, but it felt so good that he couldn’t. He stroked his cock, pumping his fist up and down his shaft faster and harder with every passing moment. He hit the edge, and then he spilled over.

Cum boiled in Colton’s nuts as the orgasm approached. His entire body tensed, his back arching off the couch as he humped his cock through the tight ring of his fingers. Closer and closer and closer to the most explosive orgasm of his life. He was there. Almost there.

And then, Colton heard and felt a pop. Trapped in that moment right before orgasm, when the pleasure was at its greatest, he couldn’t make sense of what he was feeling. All the sensation in his cock had just, disappeared. But he was still horny. He was still on the edge. And he was still holding his cock, he was pretty sure.

Colton opened his eyes, almost afraid of what he would find, and nearly screamed. His crotch was bare. Featureless. His cock was there, but it wasn’t there. It wasn’t attached. It had come off, somehow, leaving him with nothing but a denuded, bare mound between his legs.

Heart pounding, Colton moaned at the sight of his cock. It looked like it had been turned into rubber. A dildo. A perfectly life-like dildo that he was now holding in his right hand.

Beginning to panic, Colton tried to shove it back onto his crotch, but that did nothing to save the situation. His cock had popped off. Somehow. And yet he was still fucking horny. He was still on the edge, barely able to think past the sheer pleasure and frustration flooding through him.

When he looked up at the screen, Colton realized that he had turned the channel to gay porn, accidentally. But he couldn’t bring himself to change it. Instead, his eyes were immediately riveted to the pleasure-contorted face of the bottom as he bounced up and down the top’s cock.

Colton’s hole twitched. Awash with arousal, unable to think straight, Colton looked at the cock in his hands. The bottom’s cries of pleasure rang in his ears. He wanted to get off. Needed to get off. And all of a sudden, having a cock up his ass was a lot more appealing than it had been a few minutes ago.

Biting his lower lip, Colton bent over his coffee table and lined up the dildo that had once been his cock with his ass. It went in with little resistance, and the amount of pleasure that he experienced was enough to make his mind white out.

A few minutes later, Colton became aware of his surroundings again as his ass pulsed and throbbed around the dildo buried inside of it. He felt something building inside of him, something powerful, intense.

As he pumped the dildo in and out of his hole, it finally hit. An orgasm. Unlike anything that Colton had ever experienced before. His entire body shook. His ass spasmed, his hole fluttering around the thick shaft of the dildo buried inside of it. And, worst of all, he felt something wet and slick squirting out of him, coating the dildo and his fingers with a clear, sweet-smelling fluid.

Exhausted and still wracked with the aftershocks of his full-body orgasm, Colton passed out on the table.


Colton adjusted his pants uncomfortably. Last night turned out to be more than just a nightmare. His cock was gone, really gone, turned into a rubber dildo that was right now on his nightstand. There was nothing between his legs but for a little hole for pissing. He looked like a fucking mannequin.

Even worse, none of Colton’s underwear or pants fit him properly. Not when he had no package to speak of.

When Colton entered his office, much to his surprise he saw the twink sitting at his chair with a smirk. "You!" he said. "What the fuck did you do? I’m going to fucking beat the shit out of you!" he growled.

The twink scoffed and rolled his eyes. "Really?" he said, getting up from the chair to walk around to the front of the desk. "Even when I show you this?" said the twink, unzipping the front of his pants to release probably the biggest cock that Colton had ever seen in his lfe.

One look was enough to make Colton leak. He fell to his knees, completely mesmerized, mind-fucked by the cock bobbing in front of his face.

"Welcome to your new life, slut," said the twink, patting Colton on the head as Colton leaned forward to suck on his cock.

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