Dickless Down Under

God, there’s this awful new guy at my work, some flamer they brought on for diversity or some shit. He’s always smacking on this bubblegum, and smells like cotton candy, wearing pink like some fairy. Last week he got all offended that I rolled my eyes and sighed when he walked past my office a bunch and said I’d be sorry. I guess it can’t be too bad. What’s he gonna do, steal my dick or some shit?

Beta Patron Request by @fen
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Holodeck Whore

Ensign Aaron Whelk feels like he might be a bit in over his head, signing up for a three year voyage into interstellar space aboard the CSS Virile. He grew up in space and has always felt at home aboard starships, but here, on the Virile, he doesn’t quite feel like he fits in. His degree in warp engineering and slipspace astrogation aside, he feels like he has no idea what to do half the time. Thanks to a new friend, however, he learns that he really does have a place on the Virile.

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Bachelor Beach Blow-out

One of my friends is getting married soon, so we took it upon ourselves to plan a bachelor party for him. We wanted to celebrate the fact that he was finally getting hitched — to be honest, we were really starting to doubt he ever would — as well as have one last blow-out together as bachelors.

We found this resort. It was out in the middle of nowhere, but it billed itself as “the Last Paradise of Single Men,” and we thought that there would be no better place to go for his bachelor’s party. The airfare was surprisingly cheap, and the per-night rate of the hotel was pretty much a steal. We were all more than happy to go on a party that wouldn’t break our banks.

When we got to the resort, we realized that they hadn’t lied on their webpage. There wasn’t a single woman in sight. Everyone, from the guests that were lounging around in the lobby, to the staff that were assisting new visitors, was male. And every single one looked like a veritable god, wearing tight t-shirts and speedos that showed off their enviable endowments.

Maybe that should have been a warning. A red flag that something wasn’t right here. But we were high on the idea of a great vacation and we checked in without a worry on our minds. Now, I’m not so sure. My friends, they’ve changed, and I’m afraid that I’m next.

Story Request by @suittflove
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