The dangerous thing about conspiracy theorists is that sometimes they get elements of their crackpot theories horrifically correct. The funny thing about them is how often they’re just so wrong.

The broad consensus among experts in the scientific community is that the chance of aliens existing somewhere in the universe is near to 100%. The opinion of that self-professed Creationist expert who likes to proclaim that he’s a doctor but fails to mention that his doctorate is in dentistry, doesn’t count. To quote an old movie, if there weren’t any other intelligent species out there, it would be an awful waste of space.

The question of whether aliens have been to Earth, and by extension, whether they walk among us is a different question entirely. And I think, my good friend, you would be thrilled to find that they are very much here on our planet. You’d never notice, since they mostly keep to themselves, but they are there.

For the longest time, they’ve simply been observing the place, happy to study us humans and our eccentricities. But they’ve been around for a long enough time to know that we’re being stupid and hurting ourselves and our planet in the process. Most aliens would probably just up and leave at this point, but not our resident visitors.

See, the thing is that these particular aliens believe that they have a moral imperative to make other creatures lead happier, healthier, all around better lives. They’re altruistic like that, if a bit naïve. And someone might have let slip that humans are so miserable because a lot of us think too much and have so many hang ups about sex when it’s so much fun.

Pair that with the fact that for them as a species, homosexuality, not heterosexuality, is the default, well, I’m sure you can put two and two together. Well, for now, anyway. The aliens are definitely starting to make their moves. Your friends, your brother, they were probably part of the first batch of test subjects to make sure that the alien tech is working properly on our squishy human bodies.

They’ll come for you, soon enough. Hell, they’ll come for all of us soon enough. But I don’t mind. I think I’d rather enjoy being a stupid-ass cumslut. I’m already getting hard thinking about it. Unfortunately it seems like you’re one of those guys with hangups about gay stuff, so you might not enjoy it as much as I do.

But I promise you, it’s coming. Soon. And there’s nothing you can do about it. So when you wake up in the middle of the night and feel like you’re getting probed in the ass, the best thing to do is probably just give in. It would feel so much better if you just let the aliens milk all the smarts and all the hetero nonsense out of you.

Better yet, start practicing. Go out. Suck a cock. Ride a cock. Who knows, you might find that it’s a lot more fun than you think. Then that way, when the aliens come for you, you’ll be more than happy to surrender those pesky little brains to them in exchange for a lifetime of blissful ignorance.